How I feel about being productive
What is a good day for you? For me, it is when I have completed lots of jobs, made something, completed a project, got lots of ticks on my to-do list. I associate happiness and success with having a purpose and producing things, therefore productivity. At the moment, my motivation is very low making productivity low and I think that this is my bodies way of saying – YOU NEED TO SLOW DOWN, but my head is awash with guilt and ideas about what I should and could be doing during this lockdown (learn a language, baking, organising my kitchen cupboards).
In the past, a good day for me is when I have a plan for the day, which I complete and then I have a social engagement in the evening (what an absolute bore I must have been to sit next to at a dinner party with my tales of being busy), or I have such a big job to do, which I complete, but I’m too tired to do anything else apart from eat and then sleep (so tired, that I fall asleep as soon as I get into bed, content and smug). I do not like to rush things – it is not about doing things quickly, more about accomplishing something well.
Being productive is good isnt ?
These values have always been such a positive part of my life, I thought. I get things done. I make my house, garden, workplace better places to be because I’ve organised something, made it look more attractive, made something more efficient. I think that it’s made me more successful at work but at what expense? I am not sure that my blinkered task completion attitude has made me a good colleague, boss and I know for a fact that my family life and my own wellbeing have suffered. As somebody who is always seeking improvement, projects never stop, and there is always something to be done (and it has to be done really, really well) which means that what was a really good part of me has turned into something darker, which drains my energy, consumes my thoughts and stops me from being happy and funnily enough productive.
So, my worse days are when I wake up with no direction or motivation and the day seems to drift on for an eternity of emptiness and lack of purpose. It’s not the lack of a social engagement, I adore being on my own, but those days can be planned for and will have a structure too – sort this cupboard out, do the food shopping, walk the dogs, read my book, have a bath…. All things to be completed and with a purpose even if it is to just relax. Some days though, I wake up and I don’t seem to want do anything and the precious hours trickle through my fingers making me fret and chastise myself for my laziness and loss of valuable time. A black cloud will follow me round on those days too which hints to all those who knows me to maybe ask that question that they had another day. On these days, I just want to sleep and be by myself.
Recently, I’ve been arguing with my teenage children because I’m worried about their lounging and contentment of basically doing nothing. I worry that they are wasting their lives away, missing out on opportunities which will ruin their lives. Slightly irrational thoughts, and it’s taken me all of lockdown to figure this out, but I realise that I’m pushing my values and beliefs onto them and I am the one actually causing conflict in the house because of this. The current name for this is ‘Fear of Missing Out’ and it seems that they have less of this than I do. I’m not prepared for a complete teenage takeover of the house rules (e.g. I still want everyone out of bed on a weekday by 9am and I do still want beds made) but I am going to back off a little bit and try not to worry that they aren’t learning the guitar or a language online. My son has told me very clearly and crossly (in one of our rows) that he will never be happy baking bread (which also makes me realise what sort of lockdown cliché I have become).
FOMO
You will see where this is going. We worry about our teenagers getting overwhelmed by social media and our culture of today where everything is edited and presented in its best light. However, it is me who is overwhelmed, overwhelmed by opportunity. I’ve been brought up to believe that you can have everything in life if you work hard enough which essentially can’t be a bad thing to aspire to, but, for me, the goal posts keep changing and there is always something else to want to try and do.
Some will read this and completely not understand the issue at all. They will say – just don’t do it then, stop doing so much; and I envy those people who say no, those people who resist the pressure to do just that little bit more. I would say to them -it is a compulsion- but one that I know I need to stop.
Small Steps to Slowing Down
I am tired now and I am only youngish (44!) so I need to stop pushing on. I am feeling guilty, lazy and unproductive and I am scared of not having the wonderful life that I’ve always dreamed of. But what if I have it now and I do not realise because I’m always looking to make it better? Actually, I don’t even know what my wonderful life would look like because I have lost track of what really makes me happy.
As I have these thoughts of starting this or trying that I find myself realising what I am doing and know that I’ve got to stop. I am going to plan things and create lists (it’s in my nature) but I’m also going to try and say no and prioritise the important things in life. I have done a deal with myself that I have to be a bit more lazy and do just one productive thing a day and the rest doesn’t matter …. It’s a start.